I'm permanent
by CrookedTrain
Summary: ..when someone's given news about this kind of stuff, some would be happy. Atleast they would know when they were going to die. I didn't want to know the exact date, and I don't want to die..


"You have cancer.. and you don't have very long to live. I'm sorry.. there's really no time to try and fix it.. I..--"

What are you suppose to say to that? Everything seemed to be slow and numb, especially moving myself from the chair in the hospital. I didn't want to say anything. No thank you, even though they would like to recieve one. I mean, when someone's given news about this kind of stuff, some would be happy. Atleast they would know when they were going to die. I didn't want to know the exact date, and I don't want to die.. So why be happy about it? Everything changes. I mean, everything. Walking out of that room seemed different. Walking down the hallway was different. Watching people cry, talk, laugh or even worrying was different. My whole point of view had been switched around like a roller coaster ride. Once you got on that ride buddy, you're either going to come out happy or sick out of your mind. Some people bother shrugging their shoulders and saying the ride was okay. Liars.

Before I knew it, I had seated myself in the driver's seat of the Impala. Iwas still shocked, and Sam caught on quickly that it was bad news. A deep sigh came from my body and released through my mouth. My body started to shake uncontrollably, resting my head on the top of the wheel and just letting it all out. Whatever happened a couple minutes ago would be drowned in this flow of tears. I felt a hand settle on my back, cooing soft words like 'It's okay.' and 'Dean, you're fine..' What Sam doesn't understand is what I've been through the past couple of months. More headaches than usual and dizziness, yeah.. but one wouldn't expect this. What pains me even more is that Sam actually told me I should see a doctor at one point. I had been in a motel bed, sleeping for an usual amount of time. When he asked what was wrong, I responded with:a headache. The next day I had it, and the next. I can't remember how long I had had it.

_Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?  
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry._

"Dean.. please, what's wrong? What did they say?"

My eyes shut tighter. Maybe this was all a dream.. or a ghost got me. Ghost sickness again? No, that made you scared.. I can't remember. Everything's so foggy and enclosing on me. I can feel the vehicle become smaller and smaller, even though my eyes are shut. The air is running out. It's running. Out. I want out of the vehicle. Now, please. Oh god I can't open my eyes to see how close the door is, or if it's not even beside me. Someone get me out, drag me out. I need the fresh air.

"Dean!"

As if on cue, I had been pulled out of the vehicle. A deep sigh rushed out of my mouth. It felt as if I hadn't had a chance to inhale air before.

"I'm driving, we're going back.. come on, let's get you into the passenger seat.. we don't have to talk about it now. I'll wait." His right arm is wrapped around my back, his left hand holding mine as he guides me around the car. If my mind was working, I would be able to walk by myself, but it's not so I have to be guided like someone with..

My body stops walking, and soon Sam stops too, turning his head so he could see me. "S..am.. I don't know.. what t-to do.." I break down again like some child who didn't get the candy they wanted in a candy store. Why I was crying a lot? I don't know. The situation seems a lot worst than hell, and that was saying something. It was permanent. Staying, never leaving me alone, torturing me until I gave up. My arms swung around Sam's body, keeping my head by his chest and sobbing again. I felt his arms do the same to me, his voice continuously trying to calm me down.

_And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won't go away today.  
Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?_

We arrived at the motel quicker than usual. At this point, I had dried my eyes and could walk to the door, unlock it and go directly to the bathroom before Sam could enter the building. After I had told him the news, which took me a while, he had been acting as weird as I was. There was no crying, however. Sam had been struck, hard. I think he felt the same way I did when I had heard it.

Showers are good.. you could put on cold water and not freeze yourself. Or, if you liked it burning then you could possibly suffer some consequences. I remember fainting when coming out of the shower one time. That's one of the consequences. So, after stripping the clothes off of my body, I walked into the flow of water rushing out of a silver showerhead. It was warm, so I turn the knob to make it colder and colder. For some reason I want the numbness back. It made everything feel like a dream. Dreams couldn't hurt you, it felt like you were watching yourself as a third person. I want to be the third person and I want to watch where this future is going to take me. But.. I already know what's going to happen. I'm going to be in a grave in complete darkness. In complete, utter darkness. Alone. My eyes start to fill with the same sting that people call tears. I raise my head up and it stops, filling up around my eyes instead of falling. My eyes are shut tight, images of different shapes and colors are there. Slowly, I can feel the water disappear back into my head.

Before I can get myself comfortable, I turn off the water and get back out. With a sigh, I wrap a towel around my waist and face the mirror. For some reason my eyes seem swollen, even in that little bit of time I had cried. I'm not used to it, i'm the older brother and I should be stronger than this. I should go around joking about how I should get laid everynight to make it all worth wild, but I don't feel the need. I don't even feel the need to eat, and that's pretty bizarre on my part. Inbetween my thoughts, I move my head from my reflected self. I don't want to see anymore.

_And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head._

Exiting out of the bathroom, i'm in the clothes I had worn when I had entered. Shaking my head a bit to remove some of the water, I can see Sam on one of the beds, sleeping. Or what appeared to be sleeping. I notice his breathing isn't in rhythm. Perhaps I shouldn't have told him and put him through this trouble of worrying about me. His body is turned away from me, on his side and with one arm underneath the pillow. The other one I can't fully visualize yet.

My body moves over to his bed and I crawl in, laying down behind him. His body twitches slightly when my arm is wrapped around him. I don't know what to do other than to say I'm sorry.

__

I'm permanent..

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Author Notes:

_The song is Permanent by David Cook. I started listening to it over and over yesturday, and I truly couldn't stop. I still can't. So last night I started to write this chapter. It took me three hours to finish it. Reviews are loved. :) _

_I'm writing a second chapter, I'm not too sure about a third. We'll see._


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